


from the ashes

by lynn_jpg



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Implied Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), M/M, Pai Sho, Phoenix Zuko AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, lots of death, phoenix!zuko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25207219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynn_jpg/pseuds/lynn_jpg
Summary: the five times zuko dies and the one time he lives
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 498





	from the ashes

**Author's Note:**

> hello, hello everyone! this fic has been sitting around in my WIPs for about a month or two now, and i finally got around to finishing it. i love the idea of phoenix!zuko, so this formed! also, stick around for an important author's note at the end. hope you enjoy. 
> 
> tw! lots of death, somewhat stillborn, child abuse, and somewhat suicidal idealization. be safe!

-1

Zuko's very young when he first dies. 

He doesn't remember it, and no one bothers to tell him the story when he's older. The secret dies with his mother, hidden within the walls of her room. No one is supposed to know of his death, and Ursa makes sure to keep it that way. 

It's a few hours after his birth that he dies. Ozai had disappeared after seeing the child, pleased that his first-born was male. The nurses were long gone, satisfied with the child and how the birth had been conducted. Zuko lays on his mother's chest, and Ursa rubs a hand up and down his tiny back, a small smile playing on her lips. 

But something is wrong. Call it mother's intuition, if you will, but a feeling of dread fills her stomach. She looks down at her baby - her sweet, baby boy - and sees him not moving. There is no rise and fall of his chest, no air escaping tiny lungs. She stills. 

Her baby is dead. 

Tears fill her eyes without permission, and she nudges him, shaking her head back and forth. "No, Zuko… no, no, no… wake up, honey. Don't do this to mommy…"

She holds him tight to her chest and sobs. Her baby is dead. Ozai will be furious. She passes out quickly afterwards, her sweet, baby boy still held tightly to her chest. 

When she wakes, Ursa finds herself covered in ash. She sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She looks down at the ash sprinkled across the bed and frowns. Suddenly, she realizes what's missing. 

Her baby. 

Panicking, she rips the covers off of herself. Someone must have found out - it's the only explanation. Maybe a nurse came in last night and saw the child. Ursa's feet hit the cold floor, and she searches the room. Someone's taken her baby. 

Ozai cannot find out. 

But then there's crying. It's loud and obnoxious, and it bounces off the walls of her room. She has half a mind to stop her panicking and listen. It's her baby. 

She cautiously approaches the infant's crib only to find him lying there, crying his little heart out. With shaking hands, she picks Zuko up, holding him closely to her chest. He's alive. Relief fills her chest. 

Ursa looks back at her crumpled bedsheets, and the ash is still there. There's only one explanation for this: Zuko's a phoenix. 

Ozai cannot know. 

* * *

-2

The second time Zuko dies, it's an accident. 

It happens in front of Azula. They are playing some silly game on top of one of the roofs - it is the only place they can hide from their father. He is seven and Azula is five. Azula's laughing and Zuko is too. They're having a great time. 

Until they're not. 

He doesn't realize how close he is to the rooftop's edge until it's too late. One moment he's laughing at something Azula says and the next he's falling. His foot slips off the roof and he tumbles through the air, hurtling towards the ground. 

Azula screams, eyes blown wide in terror. Zuko struggles to breathe, and he squeezes his eyes shut before he hits the ground. 

When he wakes, he finds himself lying on the ground. Blurry figures are gathered around him, but the world's still spinning too fast for him to notice. He coughs, ash escaping his lungs as he tries to find purchase, gripping the grass around him in a tight fist. His body continues to shake with shuddering coughs. He may be alive, but the pain's still there. 

Zuko's vision finally focuses, but he wishes it didn't. His family's gathered around him, father looming above him. He seems pleased. Father is never pleased. Something's wrong. 

He's told he is a phoenix, unable to die. He will keep being reborn, rising out of the ashes of his failures. His father smirks. Plenty of time for him to learn from his mistakes. 

Everyone looks at him differently after that. His mother's eyes are filled with pity. His sister's eyes are filled with jealousy and maleficence. His father's eyes are filled with satisfaction and thirst for power. 

Training gets harder after his death. They push and they push and they push. He dies a couple more times, but they all tell him there's no harm in that. He'll come back. Azula gets meaner, and lies dance on her silver-tongue. She hates and she hates and she hates. He dies at her hands a few times and his father laughs it off as sibling rivalry. No one seems to understand that the scars still stay, the pain still remains. 

Zuko dies and he dies and he dies. 

He wishes he would stay dead. 

* * *

-3

The third significant time Zuko dies, it's in front of his uncle. 

He does not die during the Agni Kai. His father explains to him that it was too public of an event. The world cannot know the Crown Prince's secret, cannot know that trump card Ozai holds. Zuko does not die but is instead brandished with a permanent reminder. 

His face is scarred, burned by his father's own hands. It will forever be embedded onto his skin. No matter how many times he dies, scars will never fade. They are proof he has lived. Proof he has died. 

Father banishes him, gives him an unachievable task: find the Avatar. It is a fool's errand, he knows, but his father's word is law. He's learned that lesson. He holds his tongue, letting blood coat the inside of his mouth. He knows better. 

Uncle takes him in. He didn't have to, but he sees the guilt on the old man's face and how can he refuse? Uncle gets him a ship, a crew,  _ a home _ . Uncle is a good man. Zuko is not. 

He hides behind a deceiving face. He dances with the very flames that threaten to kill him. He tells lies crafted with a silver tongue. He's learning to  _ survive _ . He is done dying. 

Still, Uncle catches him. 

The third death (he doesn't count the others, they were all planned) is an accident. He hadn't meant for the crew to see - for Uncle to find out. Uncle's seen enough war, enough death. Uncle's already lost a son, he cannot lose another. Uncle watches the third death. Uncle grieves. 

Zuko's on the crow's nest of the ship. He's taken to climbing up there to get a moment of peace, to calm his raging mind. Everyone knows where he's at. No one bothers to follow. 

No one speaks out against the leader. Zuko learns that's how society works. 

He goes to get down. He's done this countless times before. It's second nature. The crew members are down below, playing Pai Sho with his Uncle. They're smiling. Laughing. His foot slips.

Zuko falls. 

Zuko dies. 

When he awakes, he's on the ship's deck. The crew is gathered around him. Uncle's face shines with tears, and he's gripping Zuko's shoulders. Ash covers both of their bodies, and Zuko vaguely realizes it's his. He died. 

Uncle had to watch. 

There's pain blossoming in his back. He chokes out a sob, teeth clenching together. His Uncle pulls him in for a bone crushing hug because he's  _ alive _ , not dead. The pain always hurts so much that Zuko sometimes wishes he was  _ were  _ dead. 

He gets bandaged up. The crew walks around like they've seen a ghost. Their faces are always pale nowadays, grief-stricken. If he even stumbles, they're right there by his side. He's not allowed in the crow's nest anymore. 

Zuko cannot hide his secret anymore, so he tells them. They sit around Uncle's Pai Sho board one night, and he tells them. It's a story spilled past locked lips, bruised ribs, and heaving sobs. He can practically feel the ash in his lungs. He tells them. He is a phoenix. 

It will not take away the pain Uncle felt in his heart as he watched him fall. It will not take away the pain his mother had as she watched him die for the first time. It will not take away the pain that every scar left behind.

He exhales a shuddering breath. 

Zuko's really sick of dying. 

* * *

-4

The fourth time he dies, it's with Team Avatar. 

They still don't completely understand he's not a threat, but that's fine. He's making progress. Toph is the first to warm up to him even after he burned her feet. She's the one to sling an arm around his shoulders, cracking jokes until he laughs. Aang is the second. He bares words of wisdom while still proving that a kid can be a kid. Sokka's the third, and he's got a fighting spirit. He lacks bending, but he makes up for it in heart. He doesn't think Sokka ever truly hated him - it's just the way the war made him think. 

Katara… the waterbender still does not approve of him. She tolerates his presence in the group, but she won't go out of her way to talk to him. 

But Zuko understands. She's still grieving, and that's fine, because maybe he's still grieving too. He's missing his mom, his uncle - but he's got people who love him here and that's fine. He's got validation. He doesn't need Katara's. 

There's a Pai Sho board at the air temple. He uses it to escape his thoughts. Pai Sho has always been a stress reliever, along with tea (well, usually it's accompanied by his uncle's presence, but he'll make do). He starts playing by himself, but eventually, the others catch on to his hiding spot, indulging in a game with him. 

Toph's playing style is a lot like her fighting: unpredictable and brash. She's always on the offense, looking for a straightforward attack. Zuko easily takes down her pieces, often leaving the girl flustered. 

Aang's playing style is a lot more loose, in a sense. He understands the aim of the game, but beyond that, be understands Zuko's purpose for playing. It's carefree, so Aang doesn't put much thought into his moves. He's usually on the defense. There's always holes in his plans, and Zuko takes advantage of that. 

Sokka is a more formidable player. Apparently, he'd never played Pai Sho until about a couple of years ago, so Zuko's still got a little more time with the game. But Sokka's a very odd opponent - he makes decisions with a damn good poker face, always leaving Zuko to wonder what's coming next. Sokka's moves are carefully planned and executed. He has a strategy. Unfortunately, Zuko's strategy is better. However, it makes for a good match. 

The fourth time Zuko dies, they're all in the Pai Sho room - Katara, too. Zuko and Sokka are in the middle of a match, and the others watch in eagerly. Even Katara's a bit impressed. They crowd around the board, watching the game. 

"I just don't understand the White Lotus tile," Sokka admits, watching as Zuko places it on the board. "You always seem to use it. What's the point?"

A small smile plays on Zuko's lips. "The White Lotus has many purposes, Sokka. It's a…  _ special  _ tile. For example-"

He cuts himself off, smile falling off his face. The Gaang goes to ask what's wrong when suddenly, Zuko's lunging for Sokka. He slams him against the concrete just before a ball of fire comes whizzing towards his head. There's hardly a moment to lose: someone's here. Someone  _ bad.  _

"Go!" Zuko instructs, standing up. He gets into a stance, surveying the area. "I'll hold them off! Go get Appa!"

"But Zuko-"

"NOW!" He snaps. He can see the firebenders now, creeping up on the temple. Instead of leaving like Zuko had instructed, the rest of them stay, standing their ground. Zuko swallows harshly, but he forces himself to fight anyways. 

They seem to be holding them off for the most part, but the temple is falling apart around them. The ancient ruins are crumbling, and the whole place will be down in a matter of minutes. 

A firebender lunges at Sokka, and Zuko doesn't even think. He tackles the Fire Nation soldier before he can even reach the Water Tribe boy. The risk is uncalculated. He saves Sokka, but he cannot save himself. He hardly registers the temple crumbling underneath his feet. Someone screams, reaching out to him, and then he's falling. 

He tumbles through the air, wind roaring in his ears. He's far enough away that any stable part of the temple is out of reach. Not even a jet of fire can help him. He's doomed. He's falling. 

And it's like he's a child all over again. He sees Azula in his mind, watching as he stumbles off the roof. He sees her weeks later, pushing him. Then she's blasting fire at him. Then she's practicing lighting. Everytime he falls. Everytime he dies. Everytime he still feels the pain. 

There will be another scar to add to his collection after this. 

Zuko awakes with a shuddering gasp, shooting upwards. There are voices calling out to him, hands gently pushing him back to the ground. When his vision focused, he finds the others gathered around him, tears in their eyes. 

They saw him fall - there's no doubt about that. They saw him die. 

Nonchalantly, Zuko sits up with a couple of coughs. He ignores the ache in his back with a reassuring smile. He dusts the ash off his body, addressing his friends. It's now or never. "So… have you ever heard of a phoenix?"

* * *

-5 

The fifth time he dies, it's at the hands of his sister. 

Maybe he always knew it would end this way. Maybe he should've seen it coming. Azula always took pleasure in watching him die, watching his body rise from the ashes. Maybe she was jealous. Maybe she was sadistic. Either way, she should've know that she could kill Zuko as she wanted to, but he'd always come back. 

They duel. An Agni Kai. Whoever wins will be the true heir to the throne. It's a fight to the death. Azula's smile is unhinged. There will be no winners until blood is shed. 

He should've known she was going to cheat.  _ Azula always lies, Azula always cheats.  _ When they were younger, she never won the games they played. She had to learn how to win. You could only win if you cheated. Azula took that lesson to heart. 

So Azula cheats. She forgets the sacred rules of the Agni Kai, the same ones her ancestors made oh so long ago, and she strikes. She aims for Katara. Katara does not die. 

Zuko dies. 

She's too unhinged, too uncontrolled. Her lightning is wild, a beast unable to be tamed. He cannot redirect. It floods his body like blood through his veins. His heart stops. He dies. 

Azula really should've known better than to think this was the end. She should've known better than to claim this as a victory, because this time, Katara strikes. She is deadlier than a cobra-bear, and she goes to fight. The Agni Kai is over. The battle of the Water Tribe begins. 

When he awakes, he wastes no time in trying to get to his feet. He's gotta save Katara, gotta stop  _ Azula-  _ But Katara's hovering above him, face sweaty and smiling. His ash is on her hands, but she wipes it off on her clothing. 

He turns his head to see his sister. She's chained, snarling like a rabid beast. She cries out in anguish. Azula, the girl who's won everything she's ever competed in, has lost. 

"Is it over?" He asks, voice wavering with disbelief. 

Katara nods furiously, giving out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. "Yeah. Yeah, it's over!"

She's crying with relief, and he lets his head fall back on the ground, closing his eyes. He exhales. It's over. 

No more death. 

* * *

+1

"Are you ready, your Flamingness?" Sokka bows deeply, faking a regal accent. Zuko snorts, pushing him playfully. This results in a bout of laughter on both ends. 

The war is finally over. Ozai's powerless, his sister's locked up, the Avatar's brought world peace-... it seems great, but there's still so much to be done. The fighting may be over, but the reconstruction and reconciliation begins. They've endured more than a hundred years of fighting, and now, it's time for a hundred years of peace. 

He's dressed in Fire Nation regalia, standing inside the palace with Sokka. There's a whole nation out there waiting to be addressed. They're looking for guidance that he's supposed to bring. 

Inhale. Hold. Exhale. 

Zuko will be fine. He's faced far worse than this. He can handle this. Besides, he's not going to go through this alone. He can do this. 

Rolling up his sleeves, he shoots Sokka a grin. "Ambassador Sokka, I do believe the people of my nation are ready to be addressed. Won't you accompany me?"

Sokka links their elbows. "With pleasure, your Royal Hotman."

The fanfare sounds, and they stroll out onto the balcony. His people, his  _ nation _ , are down there below. They cheer, chanting his name. The sun's just beginning to rise, casting the world in a heavenly hue. He exhales and smiles. Just another day. 

He's tired of dying. It's time to start living.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was a joy to write, and i'm so glad i completed it. i haven't written an avatar fic in a bit, so i had to write this one. i really hope you liked it, and your comments and kudos are always appreciated. 
> 
> secondly! i have a discord server now (https://discord.gg/KZBkKQB)! basically, i'll just be talking about my fics/headcanons, and other things! everyone above the age of 15 is welcome to join. hope to see you there!
> 
> and here is my tumblr in case you want to talk avatar or anything else with me! (abby-lynn-xx)


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